Giving with Care
Caretakers cope with the stress of helping an aging loved one – sometimes at the expense of their own well-being
Alexandra Joseph, 59, holds a portrait of her and her late husband, Louis Buckley, who died in January from a sudden heart attack, possibily a result of the stress he faced trying to take care of his 90-year-old mother.
By Mike Schwartz/The Press-Enterprise
Louis Buckley wanted only the best for Mary, his frail 90-year-old mom.
Yet trying to be a good son put Buckley, a minister and counselor, under gut-churning stress that proved deadly.
“It was hard,” said his widow, Alexandra Joseph, in a phone interview. “It was a nightmare.”
In January, Mary was hospitalized with kidney failure after living for several years in the couple’s home.
Joseph said her husband had been negotiating with a case worker not to discharge his mother to a nursing home in Corona. He wanted to find a care facility near his Temecula home.
“Mary was an integral part of our lives…who deserved to have her family nearby where we could see her every day,” Joseph said.
Minutes after a phone conversation about his mom’s transfer, Buckley, a previously healthy 66-year-old, had a fatal heart attack. Then his mother died in April.
“This extreme case illustrates what can go wrong and how stressful family caregiving can be,” said Terri Abelar, chief executive officer of Temecula-based Aging Solutions Inc., which helps families care for the elderly.
“If you’re caring for a family member, there’s much to learn to avoid this happening to you.”
Rising need
A caregiver is any unpaid person who assists a physically and/or mentally incapacitated parent, spouse, friend or neighbor with activities of daily living.
Caregivers also may handle financial and legal affairs, arrange for health care and made medical decisions when the elderly or ailing person cannot, said George F. Dickerman, an elder-law attorney in Riverside.
“If it’s a trustworthy person, there’s no problem.” Dickerman said.
“But subjected to coercion, an elderly person may no longer have the energy to fight back.”
Usually, people become care-givers because no one else is willing or available to do the job.
“Tag. You’re it,” Abelar said.
A burgeoning number of baby boomers between 40 and 57, along with people several years older, find themselves “sandwiched” between caring for their children and an aging or ailing parent or relative, according to Work/Family Directions Inc., a Boston-based consulting firm.
Currently, 22.4 million households have elder-care responsibilities. But the figure could reach 39 million by 2007, according to the Family Caregiver Alliance in San Francisco. About seven of every 10 caregivers are female.
Women may spend as much as 50 percent more time providing care then men, the alliance said.
Planning is key
Many adult children don’t think they will be drawn into caregiving with little or no warning.
It may begin with a midnight call from an ER nurse or a neighbor saying that Mom or dad isn’t eating well or seems confused or withdrawn. Or your parents call to complain that they’ve just been cheated by a contractor.
“A great majority of people first contact us in the middle of a crisis,” said Carl E. Rowe, founder of Integrated Care Communities in Moreno Valley and a nationally recognized expert in long term care. “No one wants to admit a parent is dying or needs help.”
But then the children realize, “Oh, my God, this is more than I can handle,” Rowe said.
At first, Angie O’Brien of Moreno Valley couldn’t accept that her mother, Elvira DeLaRee, had Alzheimer’s disease.
“She was a very independent person,” said O’Brien, 65. Her mother had lived down the street in a mobile home.
“But finally, I realized she needed 24-hour care.”
O’Brien moved the 87-year-old widow into the Alzheimer’s unit at Integrated Care Communities, where she received hospice care until her death last December.
“The hardest part was seeing her deteriorate before my eyes,” O’Brien said.
Beyond denial, some caregivers feel a false sense of security, assuming that government or private health insurance “will cover all their parents’ needs,” Abelar said.
Then, suddenly, caregivers may find themselves in a role reversal—being expected to parent their own parents.
They may have no clue of how to cope with the complex financial, legal and emotional issues of aging.
Emotional, physical toll
“Many caregivers wait until they’re at the end of their rope and nearly burned out. Then they’ll start looking for help,” said David W. Fraser, executive director of the Inland Caregiver Resource Center in San Bernardino.
Given the complex nature of the Medicare, Medi-Cal and private health-insurance systems, that’s the worst time to learn the ropes, Fraser said. In general, community resources are also fragmented.
For many people, taking on the role of caregiver may mean leaving an office job, Fraser said.
“Caregiving becomes their reason for living,” he added.
Often, caregivers find much joy in their roles as nurturers and advocates.
But some have “a very hard time letting go” of all their responsibilities and asking for help, Fraser said. “They don’t go to doctors. They are so focused on the care recipient, they neglect themselves.”
C. Van Tune a TV and radio host and producer, remembers that the strain of finding an assisted-living residence for his 82-year-old father began affecting his sleep and concentration.
“Here I am, a high-stress TV producer from Hollywood. I could handle business stress but not family stress that well,” said Tune, a Temecula resident. “Getting one call from…a nursing home can upset your day. But you have to handle it.”
Return to News Archive Main Menu